"Look at what you bring to the world, not what you lack." - Miranda Kate

Friday, 2 February 2018

Self-Sabotage: Identify When You Are Doing It & How to Stop It

Do you make a lot of excuses about not doing something you have always wanted to do?

Do you not inform yourself properly so you miss out on an opportunity you have always claimed to want?

Do you behave in certain ways that stop things from progressing in relationship?

“Self-sabotage is when we say we want something and then go about making sure it doesn’t happen.” - Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby

Self-sabotage is when we have dreams or goals that we want to achieve, but keep putting them off, or create problems that stop them from happening. We might even attempt to try them but in a half-hearted way so that it goes wrong.  

We can sabotage a career by not informing ourselves properly about what we need to do, so we’re not successful when we take the first few steps. We might not work hard enough at it; we might keep making excuses why we can’t, or deliberately forget things and/or turn up late. Alternatively we might behave badly in interviews for a job we need but don’t really want, thus sabotaging our chances of getting it. 

In a relationship we might keep providing reasons why we are not good for our partner, or behave in ways that are destructive to the relationship: being needy, desperate, clingy, or argumentative, rude, aggressive, even disinterested, until eventually they break it off.

This type of behaviour is borne out of fear and feelings of lack: whether lack of self-belief, lack of self-esteem or lack of confidence; we don’t feel worthy, we don’t feel good enough. Or we are scared that if we succeed we will be a fraud or undeserving.  

We sabotage the great things in our lives because deep down we don’t feel worthy of having the great things.” – Taressa Riazzi

Our limiting beliefs about ourselves and our capabilities cause us to self- sabotage: If we believe something won’t work or that we won’t be able to create the desired outcome, we don’t commit in the first place. And through that non-commitment the cycle is repeated: we don't give it our all, so it doesn't work, thus reaffirming the belief that it's not for us - self-sabotage at its best. 

The way to deal with self-sabotage is to understand that we limit the things we want to do by the thoughts we have about them. 

If we have been told we can't do something as a young child, we may hold onto that, and believe we can never do it. If when we were a child we were enthusiastic about being an astronaut, but someone (a parent or teacher or authority figure) says "You can't possible do be an astronaut, science is not your strong point', we might believe it, and stop pursing our dream: no longer working at the subjects required with such commitment and vigour and getting lower grades, thus supporting the idea that we wouldn't be able to do it, and that they were right. But had we been encouraged, we could have worked on the subjects required and pursued a career in it, and truly giving it our best shot.

Unlocking the negative belief and seeing what we are truly capable of, we can embrace it and wonderful things can happen. 

To see if you are doing things to sabotage the things you want, write down a list of the things you want or wanted to do in your life. Leave nothing out.

Then make a list about why you aren’t doing (haven't done) them. Ask yourself: what is/was stopping me? Why do I believe I can't do them?

Then question that list. Ask yourself if the reasons you have provided are the truth, are they real reasons, or are they due to fear, or something somebody said? 

Question all of the answers back until you see what the truth is. More often than not you will find that really it is just yourself stopping you; most likely fear about being out of your comfort zone and trying something new. 

“A comfort zone is great, but nothing ever grows there.” – John Assaraf 

Seeing the reasons and the truth behind the reasons written down in black and white enables you to see them differently; seeing them outside of the internal perspective enables you to understand what is real and what is not. You can re-evaluate the truth behind the things you want to do, they can become tangible possibilities again, things you can pursue. 

You can then take the next step: Action. 

You do this by looking at the things you want to do and breaking them down into bitesize goals, and then take them step by step. This can involve learning what you need to so that you are fully equipped to do the things you want to do, and provide no more excuses.

"The distance between your dreams and reality is called Action." - Jim Rohn

But this can be trickier if self-sabotage is taking place in relationships. In those instances you need to question your beliefs about love:

What do you believe about love?
Where did you learn that?
Was that source positive or negative?
What do you believe about love – especially about you and love?
What do you tell yourself about love?
Do you let others love you?
Are you able to love yourself?
Do you know how to love yourself?

It can be hard to give love to another if you aren’t very good at giving it to yourself. Working on these deep rooted beliefs can take a lot of in depth work. I recommend a course (available in book or audio) called Calling In The One by Katherine Woodward Thomas. She enables people to uncover all their issues surrounding love and relationships, and how to go about healing them. 

Withholding love is a form of self-sabotage, as what we withhold from others we are withholding from ourselves. - Marianne Williamson 

Learning to identify where you are self-sabotaging in your life is the key to making the changes that will help bring you all the things you want and deserve in life.


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