Comparison - how to stop it, and live the life you want

A field of red and yellow tulips in flower - all red on the left and all yellow on the right with a narrow path between with the words, do thinks your own way, follow your own path
Do you wonder how others do things? 

Do you see it as a failure on your part if you aren't doing things the way others are?

Comparison can be positive when it is in analysis of statistics to gain more information, or in decision making. But when used to compare ourselves to others, or comparing someone else’s life to our own can often lead to negative feelings like regret, frustration, sadness, depression, even anxiety.

We all get stuck in the trap of comparing ourselves to others from time to time, whether materialistic things or not. We've all coveted a neighbour’s garden, car, or holiday. We’ve all looked at someone’s success and compared it to our own, and been left disappointed with what we’ve achieved.

“The reason we struggle so much with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlights reel.”- Steve Furtick

Those are clear cut examples of comparison, but there is a more insidious kind that is almost unconscious. It lies in conditioning within our society and culture, and is when we don’t do what the herd does, or matches what the herd does, and we are ousted and excluded, or ridiculed.

The pressure to stand true to ourselves is hard. If we think differently, take different actions, or desire different things, from tiny things to how you live your day to day life, run your household, do your job, raise your children, to how you respond to people, how open you are, how you see things from another perspective. It can be difficult. 

But the truth is we are not all the same, and not just in likes and dislikes and preferences, but in how we receive information, how we process things, how we respond or react to things. And this can make it so much harder, and cause us to be harder on ourselves.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” – Teddy Roosevelt

A recent chat with a friend was a prime example of this. They felt they could not meditate, because they weren’t doing it ‘right’, because they were unable to follow online meditations due to struggling with visualisation.

Not everyone sees in pictures, some people see in words. My friend is an incredible poet, but felt limited because she couldn't conjure up the images the person narrating the meditation suggested. She felt she was wrong, or there was something wrong with her that she wasn't able to do this. But I told her that that is not the case; everyone has their own way, and not everyone can visualise and that’s normal. I could the relief in her face.

I see it in books I read on self-help, too, especially those that have a spiritual basis. Some of them define ways you should see/feel/process things. They are written as though it is only that way. But every person has their own way; they process things in their own way. They imagine things and relate to things differently; symbols mean different things to each individual.

These are external small pressures we as individuals often feel, and they can mount up. Small ways we feel we don’t fit into the crowd and are failing somehow.

With some people it can make them angry, and resentful, even causing them to reject an entire community, topic, or convention; wasting time and energy being hateful towards it or complaining about it. Others might view this behaviour as bitter or jealous, yet really it is a reaction to feeling insecure. They might like to be a part of it, but they don’t fit with the expected behaviour/method/thought process. They struggle to adjust to what is required. They haven’t worked out how they can encompass it in a way that works for them. This can lead to isolation, depression, or feeling ostracised.

“Don’t compare your life to others. There’s no comparison between the sun and moon. They shine when it’s their time.” – Abhishek Chauhan

So how do we stop feeling this way? How do we stop comparing ourselves?

We start by recognising when we are making those comparisons, and the negative or limiting impact they have on us. Identifying the areas they show up in and assessing how we feel about them.

When you look at others and what they are doing, and maybe feel anxious that you are not where they are, tell yourself, I’m doing what I’m doing, and I’m okay with where I am at. I don’t need to be there, or doing that. Reaffirm your own goals, and your own steps, as well as acknowledging the achievements you have made.

Only compare in a positive way, in a way that inspires you to better yourself. If you look at what someone is doing, you might think, ‘I want to do that too.’ But rather than then look at it as a failure that you are not,  look at how they are doing whatever it is you want to be doing, ask questions, get informed about how to go about - decide if it really is what you want to be doing, and then make your own way there. Use them as a positive role model.

Don’t let external pressures dictate who you want to be and how you want to show up. Take pride in your uniqueness.

Find your own way. Cherry pick if you like. Find what suits you.

Remind yourself there is no right or wrong way - only the way that works for you.

This your journey, your path, not theirs. 

You deserve to be seen. You deserve to be heard. You deserve to be known for the real deal that you are. The best place in life is where you’re already okay. Come home to you. It’s where you belong.” - Anne Bechard

Book Review: Mentors, how to help and be helped, by Russell Brand

Mentors: How to Help and be HelpedMentors: How to Help and be Helped by Russell Brand
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Russell Brand has grown and changed over the years. He has calmed down a great deal and endeavoured to change his image from reckless wild boy to inspirational speaker. He has used his celebrity to interview and talk to other celebrities and influential speakers from the stand point of his own addiction and recovery, and deeper issues that cover political, philosophical and religious.

My attention was brought to him when he interviewed one of my favourite speakers, Tony Robbins, and after listening to that talk I went on to listen to many more interviews and discussions either on YouTube or his own website where he has podcasts - the new popular format for these interviews - and enjoy the in depth chats and intellectual debate. Russell has a great deal of knowledge on a great many topics, and uses a broad vocabulary and fast delivery, along with humour to connect and dissect all them.

Listening to these drew me to his book, Mentors, and as I expected, having a dictionary to hand is useful when reading it (in fact if you read it on a kindle you have the easy option of just pressing on the word, but unfortunately I read the hard back copy). He writes as he speaks, in a fluid meander around topics, making jokes and side comments, which at times had me in stitches.

I enjoyed this book. However, it was more an overview of Russell's life and experiences with people that have supported him than explaining how to be a mentor, as the subtitle might suggest, although he does talk about some of the people he mentors and talk about the steps he used in recovery from his addiction. It is also a dissection of himself and the growth he has gone through as a person.

At times there were events and people he talks about with an assumption the reader will know the background or history on them, or know who the person is, without providing details, which was a little frustrating. Some might see this book as a sort of display of all his connections, showing off his success and how well he has remained connected through all his ups and downs, but he tries to temper that with jokes about his own 'messiah complex' and own failings, and how touched he is by others stories, never assuming to advise people on subjects that are out of his depth.

If you want to know more about Russell Brand and his journey this makes for an interesting read.

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