Does it control and
manipulate you?
Does it paralyse and stop you
doing things you want to do?
Guilt is a destructive and ultimately
pointless emotion. - Lynn Crilly
One day when I was at my
acupuncturist, I mentioned feelings of guilt, and he told me that guilt wasn’t
a real emotion; it was an emotion that covered other emotions and asked me what
I was really feeling. I thought about it, and that day it was fear and sadness.
It made me think about all
the times I had felt guilt – which was quite a lot in my life as my mother used
it as a tool to get her way through my entire childhood. She was a master
manipulator in making me feel bad about myself so I would do what she wanted.
This developed into me becoming a people pleaser, always sacrificing my own
feelings for others, and feeling guilty if I didn’t.
It was revolutionary for me
to realise that guilt wasn’t really an emotion, that every time I felt it I was
really suppressing another emotion. With my mother it was mostly shame and
fear. Shame being: what made me so important to put myself first? How could I
think so highly of myself? Doing so was shameful, so I had to relent to others,
meaning her. And fear: what would she do if I didn’t? What words or actions
would she take to hurt me?
With my husband it was fear
too, and sadness; fear that I would lose him if I didn’t act differently or do
what he wanted - not that he was asking or forcing me to do anything because by
then it had become an automatic response. And sadness that I wasn’t able to
connect in our relationship as much as I wanted and needed.
Guilt is always hungry, don't let it
consume you. - Terri Guillemets
In deciphering guilt I was
able to decipher my true feelings and release the paralysis that guilt often
brings. I was able to take action and go about resolving the feelings, whether
just by thinking through them, or by being able to do something about the real
emotion I was feeling. It was the key to unlocking my guilt.
My feelings of guilt had also
led to suppressed anger, anger which had been destructive in my life and
relationships, stopping me from being able to connect properly and engage in
ways that were healthy and constructive. So in understanding the truth behind
my feelings of guilt, I was also able to resolve a great deal of my anger,
which was mostly directed at myself for giving in to others all the time.
So next time you find
yourself feeling guilty about something, ask yourself, what am I really
feeling? And try and name those feelings. If you can identify your true
feelings you can take action to respond to them differently.
The guilt you feel finally comes to an
end when you fully express how it came into your consciousness. - Luke
Garne
